It really is nothing but chance that today is Valentine’s Day, for I really put no stock in the occasion and have never let it be a factor in how I feel. Last night, I said good bye to my boyfriend of three years. I will never see or talk to him again. He was my best friend, my first love, my everything. I can do nothing but cry. Where do I go from here? Oh, I know you all say that I have to move on and that there will be others, but I am not you. I am not like other people. I love him, and in my world that means there is no room to love anyone else. I will always love him, and that means that I will always be alone; empty. Its a tragedy. I gave everything I had but it wasn’t enough. In the end, my insecurities and my inability to behave as a normal human being lost me the one thing that made my life bearable. Strangely, I knew this would be my lot. As a girl, I felt that I was destined to live a life of unrequited love and loneliness. I know that other guys will love me and that they would treat me wonderfully and that I would have no excuse to reject them. Its not them, but me. My heart is taken. How can I hurt them by pretending they have a chance to have it? I don’t know what happens now. I know that I can no longer stay here and pretend that I’m like everyone else. I know that I must go somewhere and risk everything. I may not come back. I may not survive. I may change my name and create a whole new story of myself so that no one will ever again know me as I am in this moment. I am sorry for anyone that I have or will hurt. I am sorry that I ruined everything good in my life by being myself. I am sorry that he can say he will always love me, but can never be with me. I am sorry that you won’t understand how I feel and that you won’t believe what I am saying right now. And if I disappear, I hope you know that it wasn’t due to anything you said or did. If I disappear, I hope you understand that the girl who was so happy and full of laughter just simply doesn’t exist anymore. So, in a way, I guess this is a suicide note. Not because I am going to kill myself, but because I am already dead. And for that, I’m sorry, too.
I’m fucking contagious and I’m sick of this shit.