It really is nothing but chance that today is Valentine’s Day, for I really put no stock in the occasion and have never let it be a factor in how I feel. Last night, I said good bye to my boyfriend of three years. I will never see or talk to him again. He was my best friend, my first love, my everything. I can do nothing but cry. Where do I go from here? Oh, I know you all say that I have to move on and that there will be others, but I am not you. I am not like other people. I love him, and in my world that means there is no room to love anyone else. I will always love him, and that means that I will always be alone; empty. Its a tragedy. I gave everything I had but it wasn’t enough. In the end, my insecurities and my inability to behave as a normal human being lost me the one thing that made my life bearable. Strangely, I knew this would be my lot. As a girl, I felt that I was destined to live a life of unrequited love and loneliness. I know that other guys will love me and that they would treat me wonderfully and that I would have no excuse to reject them. Its not them, but me. My heart is taken. How can I hurt them by pretending they have a chance to have it? I don’t know what happens now. I know that I can no longer stay here and pretend that I’m like everyone else. I know that I must go somewhere and risk everything. I may not come back. I may not survive. I may change my name and create a whole new story of myself so that no one will ever again know me as I am in this moment. I am sorry for anyone that I have or will hurt. I am sorry that I ruined everything good in my life by being myself. I am sorry that he can say he will always love me, but can never be with me. I am sorry that you won’t understand how I feel and that you won’t believe what I am saying right now. And if I disappear, I hope you know that it wasn’t due to anything you said or did. If I disappear, I hope you understand that the girl who was so happy and full of laughter just simply doesn’t exist anymore. So, in a way, I guess this is a suicide note. Not because I am going to kill myself, but because I am already dead. And for that, I’m sorry, too.

Love without reason, without logic, without any sense at all. Love that is unconditional. Love that forgives when you do not deserve it. Love that is patient. Love that defines me. Love that is even when it is hard, nearly impossible. Love that grows with every moment and never fades. Love that is rejected.

I love you.